Thursday, 3 April 2014

As It iS

I'm not sure whether to write this or not. As I've done many times before I'll start typing, possibly save as an unpublished post and then feel loads better for getting it all down in front of me. 
Whenever I have a bad few days I avoid my blog. I don't want to come here when I feel down or stressed, this is a happy and positive place for me and for those of you who read my blog too.


Saying how it is right now isn't easy for so many reasons. This is hard for me. As a woman who was adopted as a baby I've struggled my whole life with feeling rejected, worrying that people don't like me. 
Often they don't to be honest. I have lots of theories about why this might be, but really who knows what they think. I know I'm straight talking, frank, don't suffer fools and have a dry sense of humour. That can get right up people's noses. On the other hand I'm really loyal, kind, very soft inside and think I'm ok.  I used to struggle being the outsider, now I'm happy with that.

 

Even with my blog I wanted it to be liked, a place that's great to visit. Why wouldn't I? For the most part I'm a positive happy person and that's what you get here. I feel bad that I barely find time to blog let alone visit other blogs. I do guilt well. A wise young man,  who I teach, told me today that I shouldn't feel so guilty if my plans for him don't work out because he knows I care. 
Ocassionally I get down. In my twenties I got so far down that it frightened the hell out of me so I've managed to avoid that place ever since.

I also get awkward with people I really like. I really want them to like me I guess and then I can feel myself not being as relaxed as I'd like. Anyway I'm taking a punt in being open and just a little bit honest now and if that puts you off my blog then there's not much I can do about that is there.

 

This week I've felt so knocked and battered that I can't think straight.
 I've been undermined for months at work for what I'm not seen to be doing that I've felt so low this week that I can't shake it. I feel vulnerable and I don't like it. Thank heavens for my man and my colleague who have supported me. A great parents evening last night really helped lift my mood a bit too. One of Miss Rosey's teachers welled up with pride saying how both girls were a credit to themselves, the school and us. We're also beyond rubbish at maths and she got an A in this half-terms test. Wow, can that be my daughter who understands numbers?

At work it should be my students who are the trying part, but they're not. I do a very hard job trying to engage teens who have been failed in some way. School and parents might have thrown them out when they were 13 or so. It's horrifying just how many parents turn their backs on their children and how many schools fail to deal with their behavioural disorders or the bullying they're suffering. Some of my students are a pain in the bum (they use the C word as casually as popping toffees in their mouths), some of my students are really quiet, one was an elected mute (but I still found a wicked sense of humour in there). All of them are without any self-esteem at all. It's really only the Autistic students who have a better opinion of themselves. In the main they test and test with their behaviour, my colleague and I don't react as there's nothing that shocks us.  We just act the same all the time and they give up in the end realising we can be more annoying in our daftness.  Then we start working on having fun, trying to get some childhood silliness back. There's so much more to what we do than that, but it works.


We become a bit like Nanny McPhee and once they don't need us they don't want to leave our intense ten week course. Some don't and stay for twenty or thirty weeks if they're not ready. We become an odd family and a safe place to be.  I welled up this week when one student told my boss I'd done more for her than her mum ever had and that she felt so calm being with me so she could concentrate at last. 
The successes of our students are immeasurable. For me it's not about the education we give them so much as the progression of them as people. If they're hungry and homeless education doesn't matter a jot. That needs sorting first. If they have anxiety they need to feel supported and safe. The list goes on and on. Through games, laughing and mucking about the barriers start to drop and we find out their real fears. Then we can start to support them as best we can. When we bump into old students who have successes to share we feel so proud of them and think - job done. The process of starting to like themselves has begun and off they go.

At the back of all this is the ever present stress of being employed sessionally. This means that at the end of every ten weeks I don't know if I'll have a job the next term. We have to search about for students to teach to keep the numbers up so we'll have a job. That along with funding constraints, other personal issues and all the paperwork that's expected in teaching nowadays and you get the other reasons I feel stressed this week. There are a lot of wishes I have, but I'm keeping them safe for now.

 So - I've decided to press publish. What the hell. Behind all the creative home loving part of me there's a quite dsyfunctional, emotional and caring me who gets very angry about injustice and rules.
 I keep calm with fabric and yarn.

53 comments:

  1. Well BoBo sounds like life is dealing you a little more turmoil then usual... I hear you This has been a bit crazy couple of weeks for me finding the direction in my job it's alway a challenge~ Good Luck on your journey Big Hug

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  2. ((((((((Hug)))))))))) I know you because you could be my sister in emotional terms. I have all that angst and did a lot without family support. Those children are lucky to have such people as you in their lives. Don't be afraid to be real, it's only then that real people will come into your orbit. Toxic relationships will drag you down, and there may come a point where it has to be dealt with, but only you will know that point. Rest assured you are only human like the rest of us and we are all trying to make sense of life with all it's hurdles, your doing great I would say. Two beautiful children a supportive spouse and rewarding work, you go girl! I may not comment a lot but I do enjoy your blog. :-)

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  3. Sounds to me like you do a cracking job, in a difficult field! As a teacher I totally get the stress and paperwork complaints too!
    Keep up the good work you're doing swell, you know it! Phew for the EAster hols is my feeling right now. One more get up!

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  4. When life is difficult, i always try to....'Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start all over again', as the song says. You have a bit of respite during the Easter Hols. Hope there will be lots of sewing therapy Love your blog
    Jacqui x

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  5. Lisa my lovely, worry not what others think of you. I always think, if I'm as kind and thoughtful as I can be, if someone has a problem with me.....well it's THEIR PROBLEM not mine! I am who I am and whilst I wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone I won't change my own behaviour to fit in, I would be the same with the queen as I would the chap who runs the post office. It sounds like you do a fab job and treat those youngsters with respect, it might be the only respect they get.
    And as for your adoption, I don't know much about this, but what I do know is that when we were babies, women/young girls often weren't able to be single parents. It's very likely you WERE very much loved and wanted but circumstances didn't allow this. I don't know you but I feel you are a good and honest person, remember your worth Lisa my dear :) xxx

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  6. I always pop by when I see a new post from you as I enjoy seeing your makes and finds but I don't often comment. I have recently started work in a school and although I always had admiration for the job teachers do it has mightily increased seeing things from this side of the fence. Then to take that on a step further and do the challenging work you do, I really take my hat off to you. Even though I don't 'know' you I would like to thank you for the work you do because not only are helping society in general you are having such an incredible impact on individual lives which can not be measured. My children are adopted, they came to us when they were very young, but there were older siblings who needed extra support from others because those who should have helped them didn't or couldn't for various reasons. Other people in other circumstances gave them support to get help their lives get on track and give them the chance they needed. I hope you obtain more job security in the future because what you do is so important for your pupils and you too.
    Lisa x

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  7. Never apologise for saying how you feel. It sometimes is a relief for me to hear that the women behind these beautiful blogs are actually human!

    My hubby is a teacher, although not in a difficult unit like yours, so I have loads of sympathy for the stresses of the job. It sounds like you are making a real difference in many children's lives. I cannot think of anything more important than that.

    Take a break at Easter and properly relax, then you will be more able to cope with difficult colleagues when you get back. We are all rooting for you!

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  8. Hi Lisa,
    I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment.
    Sending you a big hug and hoping things get a little easier soon.
    Jacquie x

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  9. Sounds like a 'normal' life to me. Doesn't everyone have these highs and lows? The trick is to just keep going...

    Penny
    x

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  10. Hi Lisa, I understand how you feel, both with the feelings of being the outsider and of not wanting to share this in your blog but as Lise so rightly says, being open makes us all so much more human and brings us all together. I feel so annoyed and angry that you are doing a great job which seems to actually make a real difference to other peoples lives and yet have not been given the security you deserve. Our society does not value and reward the most important people, people like you whose skill creates a ripple effect so that the young people assisted today may make an extensive difference tomorrow. Feel better soon. Shauna.xx

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  11. I know others will say this, and I think that deep down you know it anyway, but you are really a lovely, caring, intelligent, gifted lady. To teach these youngsters must be a trial at times, but you never give up, unlike so many adults they have come into contact with, and no matter how much you may feel like saying something rude and walking away. You have two lovely girls, equally caring and clever and all that, and a great partner sharing all this with you. It is understandable you have these feelings of not being good enough and rejection, I know several adopted children who all feel the same. But without exception, all of them are like you, caring and loving, and they all feel they had the best parents in the world with those who adopted them. I think you do an amazing job of work, outside the home and in it. I always come on here to read your new posts even though I don't always leave a comment. I find them always interesting and worth while, not marshmallowy soppy or too skippity pleased with yourself and life. Just a darn good read, for which I thank you. I hope you feel a little more positive after reading the nice things people have said about you, we all need affirmation at times, no matter how self-contained we might be. Take care x

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  12. I follow a lot of blogs and can't read every post from everyone, but was intrigued by your first few sentences and read from beginning to end with great empathy and sympathy. As a person I can relate very closely to how you describe yourself; I am very much the same. It's good to hear about the 'real' person behind the blog - at least one facet, obviously the crafts and family side of you that you usually present is just as real - and it's completely your perogative what you write about, without worrying about what people want to read. I have every sympathy with your problems at work...just believe in yourself and try not to beat yourself up for perceived imperfections. I'm a similar age, a little older than you and I'm only just properly understanding that even people who seem very confident have their faults! (Dur). What an amazing job you do, and if your colleages can't see how passionate you are about it, and your especial strengths, they need their eyes opening. In a stressful job like yours you need and deserve supportive colleages, not the opposite. I hope things calm down and you have a relaxing Easter break. Take care and a hug to you, Jen

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  13. your site is very good. the site is also good then your sweet topic . mane good on my related side women gift baskets is my site plz visit them. I feel so annoyed and angry that you are doing a great job which seems to actually make a real difference to other peoples lives and yet have not been given the security you deserve.

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  14. Lisa, I take my hat off to you doing the work you do and it's wrong that something so worthwhile and necessary should be so precarious. I hope you feel better for being able to say how you feel, sometimes the strain of being this jolly upbeat person in Bloggyland is just too much. If writing a post is a safety valve, go for it! There are some lovely supportive comments, I hope they have helped. Lets meet up for lunch again soon, (and get it right this time!) and have some crafty chat, and don't let the b******ds grind you down. Lots of love to you all, Penny xx

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  15. I think this is a very good post. I totally understand the writing posts and then not posting them, I have done that loads of times and I let them sit in the drafts for a bit and then delete then when I am feeling better. However, I think that you were right to post this one. It sounds to me as though you are an amazing person, who does amazing work that is very worthwhile, very hard to do and very much worth the effort and it should be appreciated a great deal more. Also, the comments from your daughters teachers surely say it all, you are obviously doing a great job as a Mum if they are doing so well in their own lives, and that is surely the greatest compliment of all to you. I don't know why people think that others have to be like them, so those of us - like you - who are straight talking, get on with it kind of folk don't always seem to fit their ideal of what people should be like. I am sure that you are a nice person, and that others jolly well should like and appreciate and if they don't, it is definitely their loss, not yours. Sorry, I get very fierce about things like this! You are great and that is all you need to know!! Love and hugs to you. xx

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  16. I don't know you as a person. but I have got to know you through your blog. You are very nice, amazing lovely person, I send you hugs
    Julie xxxxx

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  17. Its good to be honest and you seem 'human' to feel what you feel...I have some very 'down' days and try my best to lift myself...its very hard sometimes. I took a break from blogging cos i wasnt feeling in a good place~ sometimes being a blogger who shares bright, happy photos can mislead the reader without you knowing it, i had some hurtful comments and one rather odd email about my life~ part of it was about 'how lucky i was and its not as easy for the rest of us'...I am a single mother, i feel real loneliness a lot of time and get very low...but like a lot of bloggers we all keep our real deep feelings away from our blogs~ my blog is usually my happy escape to share my simple joys and things that make me happy. But we all have real lives at the end of the day~ we've all been through the good and bad bits, we are all just human at the end of the day. Your words touched my inner core...you fill your home with so much love and cheer with all your wonderful makes and vintage things ~ a happy place for your family to grow...and what a lovely family you have. I've always felt a bit of an outsider...and that want to be 'liked' by others. As ive got older ive started to 'like' who i am more...and just be 'me' and try to not let things get to me so much. sometimes its easier said than done. You have raised such bright and beautiful girls~ be proud, your lovely!!!!!!! and your loved by those who love means the most xxxx

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  18. You are SO entitled to give us all pause for thought about the other side of you, in fact, it makes you more real to your readers as we all have a side of ourselves that we don't often present to the world.

    Like you, I felt rejected as a child because I was the sickly girl twin and my healthy boy twin died but I remained. My parents never let me forget the fact that they would have preferred Robin to be the one to survive. Nor did they let me forget that I was a plain child, not worthy of nice clothes etc. But, after many decades and the love of my own children, my husband and my students who liked me for who I was and the relationship we had, I began to realize that I was a valuable human being in my own right.

    What we do as teachers, especially those of us who are able to think beyond the purely academic approach, is far more valuable than many others think. Now I'm retired, I sometimes bump into ex-pupils or get emails from them, and hear how a small incident or something I said affected their self esteem or even their future career or family life.

    Be proud of what you do and how you do it. Your own children are an indication of how well your approach to children and young people works. Those who do not understand your methods and the long-term benefits it will have, are just narrow minded. I got to the stage where I could tell OFSTED /ESTYN inspectors that they need me in post more than I needed their approval or the job and would tell the children in my class that the inspector was just another trustworthy adult in the room whom they could ask for help with their work if they needed it. No inspector ever refused to help a child and I never had any poor feedback. It is just a matter of knowing you are right in your approach and that backing down and doing it in a traditional manner may not be right for those children/young people in your care.

    Your readers love you for who you are and how you share snippets of your life with us, so do those who are close to you. In daily life, real friends are those who 'get' you and like, or love you BECAUSE of your dry wit and the fact that you call a spade a spade - that's who you are. Those who don't understand you are not important in the long term, even if they are people who ostensibly have authority over you. Life has a way of happening regardless but we can only be happy when we maintain our personal integrity. Be true to yourself - it took me nearly 40 years to learn to do that and I regret that time of self-doubt. Don't waste even a second of your life trying to be somebody other than who you really are or, like me, you will look back with regrets. The important people in your life and those whom you are important to want and need the real you, because you are wonderful.

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  19. I admire the job you do it sounds that you have such a passion for it and despite the many difficulties you inspire these children that have been so let down in life. And though it sounds like there are some in your work environment giving you a hard time don't let them doubt all the good work that you do.

    In regards to being or feeling like an outsider I know how you feel and like you feel that not many people like me. For now I have stopped worrying about it which is easy when you start to hide from the world a little.

    Thanks for such an honest post these posts are just as inspiring as the lovely crafty ones.

    P x

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  20. You are absolutely not the only one who feels awkward around the very people she wants to feel relaxed with. I spend much of my time feeling like the kid who has been allowed to attend the grown-ups party. I am sure that at any moment they will realise that I shouldn't be there and will send me away. You have lots of great people who dio like you and who like your blog. Try to hold on to that when it gets hard, and surround yourself with them rather than letting the baddies in. xxx

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  21. Great post, thank you for sharing it. Your work sounds wonderful. Before I became a teacher I was a Special Ed. Aide and worked mainly with children with mental health issues. I think, no I know, that was the best job I ever had.

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  22. A lovely heart felt post. It's good to be human. We all have these times when it's just, stressful, horrid, draining. It sounds like you have a very rewarding, but stressful job. I hope it all eases for you. Take comfort in your lovely family and all your crafty ways. xxxxx

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  23. I had to give up my career due to severe stress and anxiety which I wouldn't talk about as I saw it as a sign of weakness, this of course made matters worse. Being stressed is not a sign of weakness,in a job such as yours it is perfectly normal. It shows you care about what your doing and the effect you have on other people. Don't worry about writing about it on here as you have probably realised from the other comments, we all have some idea of how you feel and are quite happy to give you support when you need it. I have found in the past that just by putting your feelings into words takes some of the pressure of ,I hope it has done so for you.
    Look after yourself and your wonderful family.
    Gillx

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  24. Chin up - you are a wonderful lady don't let negative thoughts get you down.

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  25. I'm an Educational Psychologist and wish there were more people like you working in education who give vulnerable children and young people the help and support they so desperately need and deserve. Keep up the good work. And when life gets you down, just remember the words of Dora from 'Finding Nemo': keep swimming, just keep swimming.

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    1. Sadly I couldn't find a link to you GG Knitter to say thanks for your supportive words and for stopping by. I like the advice from Dora, will do.

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  26. Thank you for sharing, it's important to be able to share and to be reminded that all the people behind the amazing craft creations are people, with struggles. I do share from time to time how I really am, as well as writing more general things.

    You sound like you do a truly amazing job, I admire and salute you for it. It's appalling that you have so little job security though.

    Do look after yourself and if you find yourself slipping too far down don't be afraid to seek help. Don't suffer in silence. xxx

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  27. Good on you for sharing so honestly! You do a really difficult job, and the people who matter appreciate you. Don't listen to that little voice putting you down. Remember that, whatever baggage you've picked up along the way, 'you are fearfully and wonderfully made' and you're very precious! Personally, I'm always delighted when your post updates appear at the side of my blog, and I make a bee line to read them. Keep up the good work, and focus on the people who love and appreciate you. xx

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  28. I worry constantly about people not liking me, and like you, if I come across someone who is a kindred spirit I really hope they will feel the same about me. I have to give myself a stern talking to every now and again (although rarely listen!) I read an article recently where someone said "it's absolutely none of your business what anyone else thinks of you, just enjoy your life" makes sense, I guess.

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  29. I so admire anyone who does the kind if job you do and doesn't generally shout about it. I know I couldn't! So when it all gets under your skin it strikes me as the only sensible option is to get it off your chest. Better out than in. I don't 'know' you, but no one can write constantly without putting a little bit of your real self in that writing and from where I sit and read you sound bloody fine to me. Big hugs. Hope some of your stress eventually eases and rest assured there will be many of your readers who do and will still 'like' you. X

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  30. Its lovely to know there's others who struggle with the all too human feelings of fear & rejection.
    You are soooooo not alone :)
    Love your blog & reading this post this morning has made me smile, cause we are all so frail.
    Keep up the great work
    Karen x

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  31. I love honesty and that's just what you have been in this post. I'm not going to say I understand you because I've not been in your shoes. What I can say is that despite the difficulties and feelings you have about yourself, your posts always show who you are and that's a lovely, caring and beautiful person. I do hope your problems of being undermined at work are resolved quickly, that is not a pleasant thing to be dealing with. Thank you for being someone who does care for the disenchanted youth of today, it's a very important job. Take care of you and happy sewing and crafting.
    Anne xx

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  32. Can I say that I am so pleased that you shared this post. I love your blog but am so impressed with the incredible job you do for all those children who just need a teacher who likes and values them. As the mother of a complicated child who falls into your category of having a better opinion of himself ( mine is definitely in that category as he is mostly blissfully unaware of what people think and hence does not give a stuff) all we want is for the hours and hours that our children leave our side that they find a teacher who likes them. When our children have that, we can exhale and have a moment of sweating the small stuff like everyone else. There is no greater gift than that for both our kids and ourselves. So march back to that job and know that you are amazing and what you do is a special gift. BTW I must add that ASD kids are like sniffer dogs for mean people, they can sniff them out across the room and will behave horribly. So that is further proof that you must be awesome. And lastly, if all else fails, I refer back to my son's school motto - Be strong, and have faith in yourself. ( I am referring to this daily at the moment as we are have had a revolting time for my son at school this term and hence like you I have not been blogging very much). mel x

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  33. Lisa it must be a day for expressing ourselves, except I didnt write my post like you did, though I did lay in bed this morning running through what I would write...I think anyone who doesnt have down moments cannot be normal!
    Sounds to me like you are doing great things and yes you have made a blog that people love to visit.
    Treat yourself this weekend, I think you need it xxxx

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  34. That was a heartfelt read and I am glad you were able to share it with us. You are not alone I would wager that 90% of people who blog and IG and tweet only show a fraction of what is going on under the surface. I relate to a lot of what you said and just wanted to say, hey, youre not alone. Your career sounds amazing and although the stress must be difficult to deal with I can imagine in your old age that you can look back and breathe a contented sigh, that if you did nothing else you made a difference in the lives of many young people. There are not many of us who will have that benefit. Look after yourself xxx

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  35. Oh dear girl, I promise you that there won't be a single person reading this who doesn't have insecurities or anxieties. Personally, I love honesty in blogging and I think the need to express is what binds us together.

    I've got a little Katie Daisy postcard tucked into my mirror which says 'You are so loved'. It might sound silly but when I'm having a wobble of confidence for whatever reason, a quick glimpse at it does serve as a little boost. Like you, I'm very open and have the tendency to be quite blunt, I also use humour quite a lot - I do wonder if people tend to forget that we can be just as vulnerable inside?

    You do an amazing job. You must touch so many lives and I suppose, with that, comes the downside of the stress involved.

    I think you're smashing and if there's anybody out there who disagrees, sod 'em!

    Look after your self.

    Heather xx

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  36. I'm so sorry that I've only just read your post! The things that make you stressed are actually what makes you a wonderful person. There were so many things on this post that I felt a few months ago it was amazing, as though you could explain what was in my head! After I lost my hair through stress I've decided I won't ever let it get to me again. I'm so pleased you shared with us because that's the best thing you can do, that and eat cake , and cuddle your family.
    I hope you know just how loved you are and what a strong community of blog friends surround you.
    All my love x

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  37. I love this post. I can't speak for others but I can totally relate to what you feel about being yourself around people you want to like you - ie finding that much harder. I think that's very human. I like you a lot if that's any good :)) I may be one of those that you don't particularly care one way or the other if I do - ha ha ! you see I do understand. I am a bit in awe - no very - at what you do with your charges. I think you have to be a very strong person - which you so clearly are - to give so much and stay so visibly solid with wayward behaviour and shocking language. Thank god for people like you I say. Hope to see you this year xx

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  38. i'm so glad you did hit publish, it's so refreshing when people keep it real as blogworld so often feels like a prefect stick that beats over my dysfunctional head! what a friggin awesome job you do! I worked for a while (in my role as primary teacher) hand in hand with staff at a PRU for a very challenged year 2 child who was in my care for 2 years! What an experience! i am in awe! i hope stresses diminish soon and you feel better...dont go to scary places, as a friend recently said to me, 'oh jane don't climb back into the hole, they are so boring!' xxxxxx

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  39. Lisa,
    first let me say "I love you"
    Secondly: Its your blog, your life, your rules, so carry on doing it all your way as there is no other!
    Hit publish when you want whenever you want, and I for one am always so glad you do.
    Yay go Lisa....etc etc...xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  40. I'm sorry I'm late coming to this post Lisa ... been AWOL for a while ... you know, sometimes I get fed up reading about prettiness and perfection, and it's very refreshing to read a straight from-the-heart, warts and all post. I admire your bravery and honesty dear lady, and wish I could pop round and give you a big hug (partly because I identify with so many of your insecurities). You come across as so successful, talented and self-assured, yet you've opened your heart and shown us the real you. I do realise you don't always feel like this, and I have read your latest post and so glad everything seems to be on the up. Don't ever apologise for being honest, if people don't like it then LOG OFF!

    Love to you,

    Claire xxx

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  41. YOU are one marvellous and special lady, stay as gorgeous as you are, stuff everyone else xxx

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  42. You've just talked to us like a real person, the real you and then you've so much enthusiasm for your students that comes through so strongly, it's just a down day, you sound like a lovely person to meet. (Catching up so it's late but heartfelt) xx

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  43. I think these comments are an indication of how highly you're thought of. What more can I say. x

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Bobo X