Lately there have been quite a few changes to get used to. I'm not overly keen on change, although ironically I struggle with routine. I think it's more a case of me preferring to decide when things will change. That means I have to admit I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm my own worst enemy here.
Over the last few months, weeks and days there have been things going on that have unsettled me to put it mildly. I never like to open up on here to be honest, I struggle with it in real life as I'm not a fusser. I prefer to just get on with things and lean on my man for strength when I need it. He leans on me back when he needs it. But do you know today I thought writing some of how I'm feeling on here might help me make a bit of sense of it all.
Miss Rosey becoming a teenager, the end of the summer holidays and Little Bun starting high school definately contribute largely to my unsettled feelings. The summer holidays are an oasis away from all the rush, potential nastiness and hardwork of the real world. Teen days heralds time marching on away to independence. My youngest and I felt great about her starting high school. She was more than ready and then after her first day she hit the collywobbles. I hope this was just down to first day tiredness with two of hours of hockey in blazing heat to add to it. She is a very able girlie, but just lacks confidence in herself and worries all the time that she won't be able to do the work.Then there's making all the new friends business. Her big sister is being a star, really protective and supportive having only just gone through it last year. I just want to wave a wand forward a few weeks when I know all will be well.
(autumn jobs - sofa covers being cleaned)
As for me, it hit me last night that my youngest, the baby of my family now needs to grow up and be more independent. She's emotionally and socially more mature than a lot of her age group, she told me once that she didn't feel eleven. She knew too many things and felt she had been alive for a very long time. This makes sense to me. She finds security from the world in my lap, which is as it should be, but I realise I do overprotect my girls by always being there to pick up the pieces. I sadly think I just have to step back a bit more now. The only way to learn is by making a few safe mistakes with me and their dad waiting by the sidelines. That's a big change isn't it. Realising those apron strings need a bit more snipping is in their best interests really.
It has been a lovely last week to look back over though. Miss Rosey had a fabulous seaside birthday with crazy golf, icecreams, penny arcades and lunch out. Thank you aswell for all your kind birthday wishes to her.
On Monday we picnicked in an orchard with my mum before cycling through the woods and then gorging on a splendid afternoon tea.
It was the most blissful and perfect day when I felt I could have shouted through the trees with happiness. You know one of those simple, just good to be alive kind of days.
When we got home friends popped by with lovely birthday gifts and a little something for me.
A shiny swan to sit with the other two on the kitchen windowsill. They're slowly becoming useful places to put small broken things.
Funnily enough I started writing this post feeling pretty flat. In the middle of writing it my mum called. We spoke for an age uninterrupted by girlies for the first time in weeks. I hardly ever talk openly to my mum, but today we had a great chat about being a mum and job stuff. I feel clearer about facing the next stages of being a mum now.
That doesn't mean to say I'll stop loving them so much, or making them daft things and worrying more than I probably need to.
The other stuff in my head I put down to my dad's birthday being close. It will be the second year without him. Last year we didn't go to his favourite beach, picnic and play as we always did catching the last of the summer sun. He is moving away from me in my head, but I can still summon him up when I need him. I see him smiling telling me it will be allright and he's proud of his lovely girls.
Yesterday I took my students on a trip. We ended up in the USAAF Library where I met the loveliest man. He was 85, a year younger than my dad would have been. He looked in his 70's and said he felt 25 in his head. He certainly seemed it with his enthusiasm and passion for life. He told me fabulous stories about the war and life beyond. When I asked him if it was true that people did moan about the Americans saying 'over sexed, over paid and over here'. He laughed and said "No, Norfolk was bloody boring before the Yanks turned up."
He admitted to being lonely and loved the chat. I like people and their stories, but also I really loved speaking to someone who was around when my dad was.