Monday, 11 June 2012

Just Being and Thinking

I'm not too sure where to start. My blogging voice has been silent for a few weeks. Since the day my dad died I've had no desire to create.  All the things that usually fill me with excitement, joy and contentment have seemed irrelevant. This morning though I baked a chocolate cake the minute I got up and felt a small temptation to plan a new crochet project.


I've got two days off at the start of this week. The first on my own for quite a while now which I need. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to try sewing or buy some paint to throw at the walls of our bedroom. I've changed and the way I see life has changed. I need some time to start feeling excited by the small details in life once more.


That's not to say life hasn't been without laughter. There's been plenty of that. We even went on a treasure finding hunt this week and came home with yet more china.


Dad's funeral was this week.  The Bun's were away on their first ever school trip the week before so we had to wait. The timing was dreadful, we missed them so much, worried a lot and needn't have done. They were beyond excited about going and had a fabulous time away doing amazing things.

This weekend we dipped our toes back into the busyness of the real world.  We headed off to take the Buns on one of our history walks around Norwich. We showed them where the Beatles had played and queued for chips, looked for the Green Man in the cathedral and then headed off to Biddy's Tea Rooms for afternoon tea. While we waited for a table, Little Bun had a flick through a 1967 Mandy we bought for her in Oxfam. I had Tammy delivered when I was her age. The paper boy used to write notes to me inside the front cover. Mum would read them out to me, while I cringed with embarassment. 


We've been surrounded by some wonderful friends who have shown us a lot of love these past few weeks. I got to talk to my sweetest friend in Oz one evening which made it all seem so much more bearable. I've been truly touched by all of your caring words to me here and emails that I've received. Cards and letters that mum has received write of what a kind, true and wonderful man my dad was who treated everyone the same. He ran his life the way he wanted, never conforming to the rules. He loved his life and always lived in the present, dreaming of the future. After 70 years of playing golf he still had ambitions to get back on the course once more. His body aged, but his head was that of a man in his 40's. It feels as if he's just left the room and I wonder if that's how it will always feel. I hope so because my head can make sense of that.





38 comments:

  1. Hope you will always feel he's never far away. I feel this with my Dad and he's been gone since 2006. Talking about them and remembering will make you smile in time. I used to read Mandy but no-one wrote nice things in mine! Karen X

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  2. big hugs and a smile to cheer you up..
    xxxx Alessandra

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  3. Thats the way it is Lisa...and remembering is good the tribute to your Dad.

    Oh my a Mandy comic I used to read them...how many light years ago was that!!

    All the best

    Amanda :-)

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  4. Big Hugs sent your way we just lost my stepdad this week and yes it is always a reminder of how precious life is, and to not get upset about the small stuff... and for me to not put up with bull from people~ Hope your heart can mend..

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  5. Many sweet hugs to you! WIshing you a lovely week full of love and creativity! xo Heather

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  6. I am so very very sorry about your dear father.....it is a life changing event to lose a parent...I am not sure you ever really get over it..I have lost both my mum and dad and I still can't believe they are not here but the sharpness of it will get better...so I am sending you all kinds of healing thoughts...xxxx

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  7. Sorry to hear about your Dad.
    Liz @ Shortbread & Ginger

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  8. I lost my dearest dad in 2008 and when others told me that the pain eases I didn't believe them, but truly it does become that way.
    My dad is always in my heart and I do still miss him every day but he is still with us in our memories and the laughter we share when we remember those good times.
    Take care
    Lisa x

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  9. I was thinking about you the other day and was wondering how you were all doing.

    I know those feelings to well and they do ease and things slowly return to a new 'normal'.

    xx

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  10. My Dad died 10 years ago, and for a whole year I didn't listen to music - and I like music to surround me. Then one day I put a cd on in the car and that was it I think I'd been worried in case on e of his favourite classical pieces came on the radio and I would be sobbing in the car. But it passed, and now I can enjoy 'his' music and remember him with love. And in time it will hurt less to think about your dad. 'Allowing' yourself to do ordinary, normal things is the first step, and I think having youngsters around, and having to be aware of their needs, is a big help. Lovely to see you back and blogging, Lisa.

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  11. It's very hard to adjust when you lose someone so close. I've lost my dear Dad and a much loved uncle over the past few years, and beyond missing their physical presence, the earth seems to shift on it's axis and, as you say, your perspective on everything changes. Sending you and all the Buns, love and hugs and an assurance that gradually, you WILL find a new 'normal'.
    Penny xxxxx

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  12. sending you love Lisa, fee x
    (I got Tammy delivered too - I remember getting ths first one when my mum switched from Twinkle!)

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  13. Im sorry to read of your loss my heart goes out to you all. Its very hard to lose someone that is so special but even though you can't see them anymore in your heart they will always be here. Your father will always be here in spirit. Take lots of care and be gentle on yourself. dee x

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  14. Losing your dad is a huge thing, he was probably your first love like my dad was to me. It will get easier in time. I have become quite philosophical about it, thinking about the life my dad lead and what a lovely man he was and how it's the way of things and it makes us sadder than we've ever felt but we find the strength to carry on, even though we have a cry now and then.
    Sending friendly waves of positivity your way.
    x

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  15. Really sorry to read about your dad. Big hugs and love to all of you. xx

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  16. Am so sorry about the loss of your dear Dad, don't know how but I missed your last 2 posts and didn't know you were having to cope with all this. Love to you all, Claire xxx

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  17. Sending you lots of love xx
    Victoria xx

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  18. **** warm felt huggings ****

    i can completely understand the way you are feeling. my families lost loved ones and some still in hospital. Its shaken the family up, especially my mother...we all need to be closer as a family, comfort and talking has helped greatly...ive realised how much ive been busying myself to not think too much...but sometimes when you sit a lone in a chair in a quiet space you suddenly realise the realities of the situation. but suddenly my head filled with the happy memories of life shared with them and they brought to our lives- i hold onto that dearly. it doesnt get easier but you learn to cope. love to you and all the buns ;0) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  19. So sorry to hear your news; I'm afraid I've only just caught up with your blog, so my apologies for the delay in sending this message.
    My Dad passed away in 2009; it hurts, but it does get better; I, like you, feel that he's just popped out for a bit and that I'll see him again some time.
    Best wishes to you and your family. Hope your Mum is getting along as well as can be expected.

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  20. It's completley understandable to feel a change when things like this happen.
    I'm sure little by little your creativity will return, a chocolate cake is a good place to start xx

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  21. I lost my dad 5 years ago this month. I know how difficult it is to adjust, I was always a 'daddy's girl' and it was very hard.
    It does get less painful but he will always be with you, there is never a day goes by when I don't think of my dad and there are so many things that remind me of him in day to day life. However as time goes on your memories will be accompanied with more smiles and less tears.
    Take care,
    Vivienne x

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  22. Sending my deepest sorry's and hugs to you all at this time Lisa.

    I think when you lost someone that you are close too its hard to deal with the fact that they have gone. For the longest time after my gramps passed I kept expecting him to bustle in my nan's front room telling me to move out of his favourite chair.

    Hope you take the time to grieve for that is the most important step and the rest will come in time.

    Take care my lovely.

    P x

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  23. I can completely understand your lack on creativity - the memory of losing my day is still near the surface but time has softened the edges (it was nearly 12 years ago). I can remember painting landscapes which all turned out to be bleak and lonely... no flowers, animals or people. But gradually things settle back into a new place... and you're right, you have changed forever.

    I can now think of my Dad helping me decide which vegetable seeds to plant and when; or advising when I use a saw or a drill. I think of him when I use his chisels in my studio and hope he'd like what I'm doing.

    Don't be in a hurry to adjust... like others said, you will find a 'new normal'.

    Celia
    xx

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  24. So sorry to hear about your dad. It will take time to adjust but time really is the best healer - when the overwhelming grief is done the mind will let through all those fantastic times you had. Take care.
    June

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  25. Life will be different now.After my Mum died I found that,as the months passed, the rawness of the pain went and I learnt how to live with it but the memories of happy times remain clear.

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  26. I have been through a lot of the same in recent months - although I could never imagine what it is like when you lose your own parent.

    Just to let you know that I am thinking of you, and that it is nice to see you back.
    -x-

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  27. Aww Lisa,
    You will need time to be, rather than do...
    This timne is called healing time...
    Sending you love and light.
    Maria x
    You made and sent me wonderful mistelo corsages at xmas time,Lisa.

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  28. Would you mind very much giving me your address? I have something to send to you.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  29. Welcome back Lisa, at first you think you will never laugh again, then one day you realise you are. It does get easier just takes time. Hope you are getting lots of support from those who love you. Isn't it great the way kids just carry on, they say kids learn from their parents, I think it's often the other way around, :)

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  30. Dear Lisa
    I've just been sitting here in bed reading about all you've been going through. It's so clear how much you loved your Dad - how lucky you were to have each other. You're such a strong person and I don't think you could be coping any better - ie you're doing fantastically. Hope that doesn't sound trite. I hope your mum is ok and I am sure that if she came to stay it will have been a huge comfort to her. Thinking of you x Gabs

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  31. So sorry to hear all that has happened recently. I lost my dad about 2.5 years ago and I remember feeling the same as you. Its small consolation but it does get better and focusing on all your good memories is a help. Your in my thoughts.

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  32. It's little consolation now but it does get better just give it time.

    I love Biddys tea room, I always go for coffee and cake when I'm in Norwich.
    Gillx

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  33. Sweet Lisa, just being is sometimes a very good thing, just living simply and allowing your feelings to feel. Loss of a truly loved one is never easy, just let yourself "be". It's great to have you back and I am so pleased there has been some laughter and lighter moments xox love and hugs x Penelope

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  34. So sorry to hear about your dad, my thoughts are with you & your family x

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  35. It's life changing when someone dies. The rest of the world carries on as though they live on a different planet. I'm so happy to hear you're getting the gentle nudge of creativity again. I wonder if it was the cake-making that opened up that part of you? Let things happen as they will and I send you much love.
    Jess xx

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  36. Oh, I'm so sorry I missed your last post about your Dad. I'm so sorry.
    I understand how you feel at the moment - my older brother died, suddenly, on 21 May and his funeral was yesterday. He was only 43. I am finding it so hard to take in the fact he is gone and I find I have no interest in anything of my usual activities. Only being with the children and other close family seems to help. Just being and thinking is enough for now, I think.
    Sending love and healing your way, Victoria

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  37. good to see you here...take care xx

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  38. You've no idea how often I've thought of you and your family these past few weeks. Although it's been close to 27 years since my own beloved dad died, I remember that fresh grief as though it were yesterday. It does soften, and it happened in its own time (not mine or anyone else's), and I got *through* the loss, not over it.

    Rumi wrote: "Through Love all pain becomes medicine." That's my wish for you.

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